Recovering alcoholics and beachcombers,

• Herbert Park Rangers are delighted to announce the reopening of El Stadio Daddio Magnifico Herbert Olympico Hampden Park Neucamp Maine Road Bernabau San Siro Giants Penrith Palladium Stadium of Light Fantastic of Perchance to Dreams Cauldron of Burnination following the recent closure. Rededication ceremony at 6:00 PM tonight.

• With Achill Island’s Stadio Mosquito closed and condemned by Mayo County Council as a ‘biohazard,’ Herbert Park Rangers burninated the opposition all weekend with displays of full-contact kite flying and party-wave surfing.

• After receiving no less that three yellow cards, the club’s most injured player, Kevin Fortune, was sensationally send off late in the weekend and sent packing, literally. FIFA are currently examining footage of the incident, in which Camp Site Officials In High-Visibility Jackets allege Fortune ‘burninated’ the candle at both ends too much. In defending the player, a Herbert Park Rangers spokesperson had a more different view and strenuously denied the assertion by the Camp Site Officials In High-Visibility Jackets that Fortune made illegal use of the elbow, pointing out that Kevin can’t see his ‘beefy arm’ as it ‘comes out the back of his neck there.’ 

• Portuguese Footballing Phrase of the Week: For expressing dissatisfaction at the Camp Site Officials In High-Visibility Jackets: ‘Você não saberia o majesty se viesse acima e o mordesse na cara' which means ‘you wouldn't know majesty if it came up and bit you in the face.’