Salutations, 

• Squad morale at an all-time high: 

Herbert Park Rangers fans are positively relishing the prospect of the rest of the season at their spiritual home, El Stadio Magnifico Herbert Olympico Hampden Park Neucamp Maine Road Bernabau San Siro Giants Stadium of Light of Dreams, with the wealth of talent in all parts of the squad displaying a growing confidence in all aspects of the game. As yesterday’s game demonstrated to the massed ranks of the world’s media, this is a team eager for greater achievements, giving the lie to the old football cliché that kayakers can’t kick ball.

• Pay-per-view medical: 

As a result of an injury in yesterday’s game, the Board is hoping to schedule a televised medical early next week, at which Jim hopes to prove his fitness to play. This medical will be timed to coincide with prime-time viewing in the lucrative Far East market, where the Club is hoping to expand its fanbase. Until the successful completion of this checkup, Jim will play no further part in any upcoming games and his personal agent has announced that he will not now be honouring his ankle-modelling contracts for ‘the foreseeable future.’ Readers of the monthly magazine ‘Neat Ankle’ are said to be ‘devastated.’

• Portuguese Footballing Phrase of the Week: Following on from this week’s injuries, we bring you this topical phrase: ‘Enfermeira, enfermeira - remover a dor, mas não o inchamento’ which means ‘Nurse, nurse - take away the pain, but not the swelling.’