Tabloid readers,

• Herbert Park Rangers invite you to play football tomorrow, Tuesday, as usual at 6 o’clock at home in the Stadio Olympico Hampden Herbert Park Neucamp Maine Road Bernabau San Siro Giants Stadium of Light of Dreams. Match will be played regardless of weather, unless it’s raining.

• The Club is hoping to unveil new signings returning from loan at French Alps teams this week, with early arrival Alan O’Brien showing some promise at a secret, closed-doors friendly on Sunday. 

• The Board regrets that it is forced to announce a clampdown on in-season drinking binges, following a shambolic display of unprofessionalism on the pitch at yesterday’s friendly. Players are specifically barred from drinking wine and/or whiskey until 5 in the morning on match days. 

• Portuguese Footballing Phrase of the Week: For the context of this week’s phrase, see points two and three above. This week’s Portuguese footballing phrase is ‘Comece-o fora da terra, drunken bum’ which means ‘Get off the ground, you drunken bum.’